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Best Short Jokes This Year

I know 10 facts about you:
Fact 1: You are reading this.
Fact 2: You can't say the letter 'm' without touching your lips.
Fact 3: You just tried it.
Fact 4: You're smiling.
Fact 6: You're smiling or laughing again.
Fact 7: You didn't notice I missed fact 5.
Fact 8: You just checked it.
Fact 9: You're smiling again.
Fact 10: You like this and you're going to rate or comment. :)

Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may stand up!"
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!"
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're standing alone..."

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

Dad: Say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: Come on, say daddy!
Baby: Mommy!
Dad: F*ck you, say daddy!
Baby: F*ck you, Mommy!
Mom: Honey, I'm home!
Baby: F*ck you!
Mom: Who taught you that?
Baby: Daddy!
Dad: Son of a b*tch.

Rate kickass only this if your name isn't Steve.

i believe i can flyyy
got shot by the pizza guyyy
all i wanted was some onion ringggss
from McDonald's or Burgerkinggg
I believe i can soarrrr
mom slapped me in the grocery storeee
Even though im 24 I still got an imaginary dinosoarrrrr
I believe i can falllll I tripped on a bouncey ballll
Thought id post this funny jokes. Even though i got no votes.

Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Me: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."

Press kickass if your name is not JEFF

Boy: The principal is so dumb!
Girl: Do you know who I am?
Boy: No...
Girl: I am the principal's daughter!
Boy: Do you know who I am?
Girl: No...
Boy: Good! *walks away*

When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.

I was in in the public restroom
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall:
"Hi, how are you?"
Me: (embarrassed) "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

Funny ways to answer the phone
1) Johns white house,you got the dough, we got the hoe
2) Hello Immigration service, you report em' we deport em
3) Jim's abortion clinic you rape em we scrape em
4) Westroad sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it
5) Sawyers sperm bank you jack it we back it
6) hello children's hospital,you beat em we treat em
7) chucks disposable dildos fuc em suc em and Chuck em

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people bring knives on a date.

it's funny how after an argument is over, you start to think about more clever shit you could have said

Rate kickass button if you like boobs!

20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin Bacon die!

Husband (watching a video):
Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No! NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass!
Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching?
Husband: Our wedding ceremony.

Add a word to ruin a movie:
- Batman Begins College
- The Longest Yard Sale
- Charlottes Web Cam.
View the comments to see more!

Vote kickass if you're in the age zone of 10-21
Vote lame if you are in the age zone of 22-100
"Just want to see the age of most readers"

Something To Do When You're Bored:
1. Catch a fly.
2. Put it in the freezer.
3. Wait 10 minutes.
4. Take out the fly, it will be unconcious, not dead.
5. Pull out a strand of hair or a thin piece of string.
6. Tie it around the fly.
7. Wait till it wakes up.
BAM! Your very own pet fly

My dad said if I get 100 Kick ass votes he'll quit drugs and alcohol.

Me: should I get into trouble for something I didn't do?
Teacher: No
Me: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

Dad: Hey son want to hear a joke?
Son: Yeah!
Dad: Pussy.
Son: I dont get it.
Dad: Exactly...

*Hott Girl's Facebook Status*
"Bored" -86 Likes -54 Comments

*My status*
"Just got accepted into Harvard!" -0 Likes -1 Comment from Mom:"...Nerd"

My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

Boy : Marry me.. ?
Girl: Do you have a house..?
Boy : No..
Girl: Do you have a BMW car.. ?
Boy : No..
Girl: How much is your salary.. ?
Boy : No salary.. but,..
Girl: No but. You have nothing.. How can i
marry you.??
Leave please.!
Boy: (talk to himself) I have one villa, 3
property lands, 3 Ferrari, 2Porsche.. Why I
still need to buy BMW.?! How can I get the
salary when actually I am the BOSS

Boyfriend: Bitch
Girlfriend: I been called worse
Boyfriend: Like what
Girlfriend: your girlfriend

Dad- Son, u better pass this exam or rather forget that im ur father!
Son- Sure dad! Whatever!
~5 hours later~
Dad- Howz ur exam?
Son- Who the hell r u???

Boy: Hi.
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.

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