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Best Redneck Jokes This Year

*Girl is crying*
Dad: Why ya' crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad (Grabs shotgun): I'll be back...
*A while later, dad comes back*
Girl: What the hell! Why did you kill him!
Dad: I didn't!
Girl: Where did you go, then?
Dad: To get you ice cream of course.
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun!?
Dad: So I could get it for free!

An old timer was sitting in his rocking chair on his front portch when a kid comes walking by with something in his hands.

The old timer asks the kid, "Hey son. Whatcha got there?"

The kid replies, "I got me some chicken wire. I'm gonna catch me some chickens."

The old timer responds, "Oh son, you can't catch no chickens with chicken wire."

A short time later the old timer sees the kid come back with a bunch of flapping chickens all caught up in the chicken wire.

"Well, I'll be...'" says the old timer scratching his head.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer. This time he has something round and gray in his hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands this time?"

The kid responds, "I got me some duct tape. I'm gonna catch me some ducks."

The old timer laughs, "Son, you can't catch no ducks using duct tape."

A short time later the kid comes back with a bunch of ducks caught-up and quacking in the duct tape."

The old man cannot believe his eyes.

The next day the kid comes walking past the old timer, again with something in hs hands.

The old timer shouts out to the kid, "Hey kid, whatcha got in your hands today?"

The kid shouts back to the old timer, "I got me some pussy willow."

The old timer shouts out, "Hold on son...while I get my hat!"

Redneck: Help! My buddy fell out of the deer stand I think; I think he might be dead.
911: Sir, please calm down; can you make sure he's not alive?
Redneck: Yea, just a sec. *gunshot* Ok, he's dead, now what?

Redneck told wife- when are you going to Britain for your training , dear ?
Wife - next week darling. What gift should I bring for you from Britain? Redneck - Bring cute sexy british blonde for me.
15 days later wife returns from Britain. Redneck - where is cute sexy british girl, you promised me ?
Wife - wait for 9 month darling.

What did the redneck say before he died?
"Watch this! Hold my beer."

Two rednecks were sitting in a bar discussing their favorite sex positions. One of them says, "I think rodeo would have to my favorite". The other one says, "I've never heard of that one, what is it?" So the first guy says, "You sit on your wife's back with your hands on her boobs and say, 'these feel just like your sister's' and then you have to try and stay on for 8 seconds".

A teacher has a class full of rednecks. She asks someone to use the word 'Timbuktu' in a story.
A scrawny kid in the back raises his hand and recites proudly:
Tim and me, a hikin' we went,
Till we found three whores in a pitch-up tent.
They were three and we were two;
So I buck one and Tim buck two!

Why are redneck murder cases the hardest to solve?
Because all the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

You might be a redneck if your daughter's sweet sixteen is sponsored by Budweiser.

Two rednecks were walking along when they saw a dog licking his balls. One said I wish I could do that! The other said, you dumbass he would bite you!

What's a rednecks last words!!
Hold my beer aand watch this boys!!

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says no crack and it reminds you to pull your pants up.

What's the cheapest meat? Deer balls their under a buck

You might be a redneck if you can move your house with your truck.

How do you make a rednecks dick hurt. Kick his sister's jaw

You might be a redneck if you let your sixteen year old daughter smoke at the dinner table...
...in front of her kids.

you know your a redneck when you fall and the first thing you save is your beer.

My girlfriend and I broke up... she said we could still be cousins though.

Q:What do cops hate the most about hillbilly murder cases?
A: No dental records and ALLLLL the DNA matches!!


Latest product in the market: George Bush condoms - ideal for f*ckers who dont know when to pull out

you might be a redneck if you think
duct tape is spelled duck tape

Redneck Teases his ex-wife's new husband: So, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
New husband: Not bad. After the first inche, she was brand new.

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?
A full set of teeth!

You might be a redneck if you've been married 3 times and you still have the same in laws

You might be a redneck if you think that anal sex is just an affordable form of birth control.

Being married is great, especially when your wife looks like your favorite country star. To make it even better, my friends wife looks like his favorite country star too. But one day the got into a cat fight at the mall and some one yells "Damn, Toby Keith is kicking Willie nelsons ass".

Anant is walking on campus one day when Redneck rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked Anant
Redneck "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'" "And Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

The great thing about a redneck divorce is that you can still be cousins afterwards.

So a woman walks into a bar with her goose and gets a drink, moments later after being there a drunk man walks up and asks her : "Where did you get that Pig" and She says : "I'll have you know this is a goose" and the drunk man says :" I know, I was talking to the goose!"

Two doctors Anna and redneck are having sex, Redneck says to her, "You must be a surgeon, you washed your hands before and after." Anna replies, "Well you must be an anesthetist, because I didn't feel anything!"

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